I know…I know.
I’ve been hiding. And seriously, I have. In the interim from my last post we have moved to GA, Nate has a new job, Tricia is still in NC, and I’ve been in the last few weeks of pregnancy. When we do things, we do them all out. And yes, I was hiding. Being pregnant after loss was scary. It’s a gamut of emotions where you’re fearful, expecting the worst info each doctor’s visit, worried that if you lose this baby too that you’ll disappoint everyone who’s happy for you (yes, this is crazy-I get that. Baby showers were beautiful, fun, and terrifying all at once!), and basically researching every move you make, everything you eat, and over analyzing every creak your body makes until you’re 80 steps past your normal crazy. The last few weeks because I was high risk I had an ultrasound every five days, and an NST where the baby’s heartbeat is analyzed. I absolutely lived for those NSTs. Twenty minutes of peace where I could hear his little heart. Moments when I knew he was OK. Even with those moments, I am not sure that I was ever really allowing myself to awknowledge that this time we would be holding a baby. I was c-sectioned August 10th, and I scared the anesthesiologist because I started bawling when Liam took his first real cry. Part of me never thought I would hear him. Or hold him.
There are moments when you know you are really blessed.
This is one of mine. 🙂
Liam was ten years in the making. There are still days I look at him and wonder how all of this is real. Oh, and I still worry. I probably always will. I worry about Tricia-though she’s off rounding up ribbons and having a great time with an amazing young lady. Terri tells me to take care of the new baby (Liam), and she’ll take care of the first baby (Tricia). I’m blessed to have amazing horse people in my life too.
Nate’s an amazing Dad. I didn’t change a solitary diaper during our hospital stay! It’s super sweet to watch Nate dote over Liam. I guess that’s another blessing to be thankful for!!
I told Nate out of surgery that I would be willing to try this again. Not that it’s likely to happen again anyway (Ten years!). The pregnancy was pretty routine. I was tired, but nothing an afternoon nap wouldn’t cure. No morning sickness, etc. The worst issue I had was carpal tunnel-which, unknown to me prior too, is a relatively normal symptom of pregnancy. Soooo….two days after we were discharged I gained 18 lbs in what seemed like overnight, and lost fine motor control in both of my hands. At what would have been 39 weeks pregnant (Liam was born at 38 weeks bc I’m diabetic), my body threw down and had a full on preeclampsia temper tantrum. Yes, it’s a possible thing. Another new one on me, but according to my OB it happens on occasion. My cousin warned me that recovery can be a bitch…she wasn’t kidding. I’m doing better now-thus the ability to type. Losing my hands was the most frustrating, as I want to touch Liam’s cheek, and not struggle to change him or feed him. I’ll be glad when I can fully use my hands again and the swelling is gone.
Tricia has been having an awesome time in NC. I’ll update on actual horsey stuff soon, I promise! Liam, Nate and I all wish you a beautiful night, wherever you are in the world!